Level 3’s Crowe Achieves Enlightenment

April 1st, 2009 by · 4 Comments

Kathmandu, Nepal: Sources within Level 3 indicate that CEO James Crowe has moved his office to an undisclosed monastery somewhere deep in the Himalayas, and has become a Buddhist monk.  This news finally lays to rest the simmering speculation regarding his trips to Asia over the past few years, where it is now clear he has been seeking both spiritual and technological enlightenment.  His duties at Level 3 remain unchanged and he will be melding his own new inner Qi with telepresence equipment from Cisco in order to conduct business in Broomfield remotely.  He can now walk anywhere on the Level 3 corporate campus as a fully independent and lifelike hologram.

In fact, he has apparently been in the Himalayas for months.  “Most people haven’t even noticed the difference yet, in normal light it’s like he’s right there,” said one source, “but he kind of glows in the dark.  Scared the bejeezus out of Mason Hawkins just last week during a power failure.”  Others are skeptical, calling it a publicity stunt.  “Oh come off it, he’s not in the Himalayas – he’s afraid of heights.  He’s still in his office here just having fun with the equipment: walking through walls, appearing out of nowhere over Jeff Storey’s shoulder – that sort of thing,” said another source.  But the accelerating surge in bandwidth from Asia reveals the truth:  creative usage of Akamai’s global internet visualization tools combined with a non-random perturbation generator shows massive traffic spikes coming out of Nepal.

There was some debate amongst board members about whether Chairman Walter Scott would approve of this arrangement, but it was decided that he is so old that he probably won’t even notice.  Comments are filtering in from around the industry:

Cisco CEO John Chambers: “In just 2-3 years all CEOs will be holograms, it is inevitable.  Heck, I’m not even really here right now.

Global Crossing CEO John Legere: “Well, that explains why he was wearing those funny robes at PTC in January, not to mention why he seemed to flicker when he scratched his head.

Zayo CEO Dan Caruso: “Of course I knew, that’s why I bought Himalayan Fiber Networks just last week.

TW Telecom CEO Larissa Herda:  “Jim Who?

We attempted to contact James Crowe for this story, but while he answered the phone all we could hear was a strange ‘oooommmmmmmmm‘ sound reverberating in the background.  Or maybe that was a dial tone, we’re not sure.

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