Sources suggest there has been a dramatic shift in the race to replace the FCC’s Julius Genachowski and Robert McDowell. Rather than go with the usual technocrat with special interest ties, both sides of political establishment have come to the conclusion that a new direction is necessary to bring some passion and energy to telecom regulation. The Democrats will be nominating filmmaker Michael Moore, while the GOP is going with Rush Limbaugh.
But it’s not really about celebrity and excitement of course. According to a political hack who asked to remain nameless, “Genachowski and McDowell were a real problem for today’s Beltway crowd. You see, they actually believed we sent them there to get stuff done. They even thought we meant they ought to work *together* now and then. USF reform? Please. Put simply, they’ve been making Congress and the President look bad.”
Yep, the politicians have realized that Washington DC is so dysfunctional now that the FCC has become a model of efficiency that they can’t compete with. “Where are the insults, the whining, the blaming, the crocodile tears, and the total lack of interest in governing? We need FCC Commissioners that are part of mainstream America again,” complained another political operative whose name actually doesn’t matter anyway.
But how did a bunch of political hacks who can’t agree on which is the true traitor to America actually find agreement on Limbaugh and Moore? According to someone close to the negotiations, “Well, we just needed politically polarizing clowns whose supporters don’t realize their own guy is a clown. That way, conservatives are ok with Limbaugh because they think he’s right, and liberals are ok with him because they figure sooner or later he’ll call someone else a slut. Meanwhile, liberals think Moore will finally take on the big corporations, and conservatives know he’ll just use it make a documentary in a few years that nobody will actually watch anyway.”
Why would Moore and Limbaugh accept such positions? Not out of a sense of public duty of course. In Moore’s case he’s been having trouble getting CEOs to talk to him for new exposés. As FCC Chairman he figures they’ll have to take his call and the camera won’t even have to be hidden, though he might still hide it anyway to get a less comfortable camera angle.
And as for Limbaugh, he’s just going to have his staff read all the daily proceedings and comments and clip the bits that make the government look bad so he can read them on his show. Besides, do you know how many hours of time you can fill reading what some telecom lawyers say about other telecom lawyers? It’s like ‘Desperate Housewives’ for technocrats if you read it out loud with the right tint of outrage.
Other candidates didn’t make the cut. Madonna almost did, until they realized that she’d have to rule that her own language be bleeped out of the FCC’s own proceedings – plus she told them to go [bleep] their [bleep]ing [bleep]s. Glen Beck, however, is still lobbying for the job — it’s just that a coalition of pro-communist billionaires and Islamist militants funded by UNICEF are successfully conspiring against him.